Vulnerability

I've been feeling pretty lonely lately.  Though maybe that word isn't accurate because I am actually surrounded by people.  What I've been longing for is a sense of community.  I guess that more accurately describes it.  This feeling isn't necessarily new, it's just been hightened the last little while.  A few weeks back I got the news that the world lost an old friend of mine.  As we are prone to do when this happens, I started trekking down memory lane of the time of my life in which he was a part. 

The truth is that I hadn't seen him in years, actually since I was in college in a small mountain town in Colorado.  This time in my life was richly filled with great friends and gatherings filled with comforting conversations.  We would gather each week for potlucks and just talk and eat and laugh.  And whenever I was feeling anything at all I could be with a good friend in a matter of minutes.

Fast forward to my life now.  The city is rough. Being with friends means long drives made longer with traffic.  Everyone has jam-packed schedules making it near impossible to make time for even a quick lunch of a cup of coffee.  So much of the time when I try to make weekend plans I am told that their week(s) have been so stressful they don't want an "obligation" for the weekend.  Mostly the only opportunities I have to see the people I call friends are at loud clubs watching their bands...but never having the opportunity to talk.

I find it odd considering I've always considered myself completely independent.  I guess I'm learning that "independence" isn't synonymous with "alone".  Maybe after being so sick last year I've discovered a desperate need to surround myself with people I love; to take advantage of every second together.  I'm frustrated and inevitably hurt by the idea that our lives are so busy, so stressful that the idea of seeing friends is found to be an "obligation" and a stressor...rather than a welcomed relief.

The bf and I make plans and hold potlucks to try to initiate community.  The simple fact, and I know this is harsh, but Los Angeles (is it limited to my city?) folks tend to be flaky.  Several times in the past year I've had plans ranging from lunch to a girls' night dinner to a group trip to the drive-in theater only to have people cancel at the very last minute, or simply not show up at all.  Our monthly potlucks turned into me cooking all of the food and most of the guests just seeing how drunk and loud they could get.

Perhaps I'm overly dramatic, or overly sensitive, or just an outright bitch.  Perhaps I'm totally coming off as desperate.  But maybe that really is what I am - desperate.  I am desperate for community.  For people to make plans, and show up for them.  For conversation to occur against a backdrop of good music, and not the other way around.

I'm the first to admit I can be totally awkward.  I'm pretty guarded with new people, and that guard certainly doesn't drop easily.  I'm absolutely open to the idea that these traits are off-putting and far from welcoming.  I know this problem of mine has a two-way street solution.  But just what are the solutions for lonely?